Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
