just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
