...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize