just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
