I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize