I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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