i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
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We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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