Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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