At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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