im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
