I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
