i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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