shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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