Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
