ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
