I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
