Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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