ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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