happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends