she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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