Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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