i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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