just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
