Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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