Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
