I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
