Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
