i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
