and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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