I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my shit smells like andre
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
