He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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