wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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