I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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