Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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