How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
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Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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