Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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