The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
