No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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