new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
