drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
