Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
