you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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