I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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