Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
