apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
