so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
