I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
