I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We need to get me chipped asap
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
