You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
