I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
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He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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