you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
