Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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