Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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